Peaked, plunged and poised.

Oh, this is uncharted waters. Putting the turmoils of my heart into a blog has never been a practice but well, I think I’m better off spilling the beans now then saving it all up for a breakdown. (breakdown…no way!)

Usually I write my thoughts in poetry. I make my best poems when I am overflowed with certain emotions…that are often melancholic. Somehow my brain begins to feel and my heart speaks to my hands – then comes the fervent downpour of romanised sentiments on a paper.

I can’t do the downpour now as much of what I was feeling in the day had dissipated. The need to be poised stands valid when one is not within the enveloping comforts of bedroom walls with arms around that lifeless but understanding pillow.

Hard it is for me to push everything to the back of my mind, harder it is for me to tell myself to turn off all the emotions like a tap. A leaky tap it has been.

Fortunately, the knowledge of having bits of shoulders to lean on provides some solace. It is scary to suddenly have a pit in your heart and not know who or what to fill it with. At least the on-goings of the day has kept me buzzing. Perhaps the daily responsibilities are enough for me to get my wobbly feet back on the ground.

I have seen this coming actually. Like smelling the air, testing the wind and knowing that a storm is imminent. I just didn’t think it would overcome me like it did today. Alas…weather forecasts cannot always predict the exact magnitude of a storm huh? Throw in a few sudden tornadoes, some unpredictable winds and hailstones and a trusty roof will lose your trust in it. I neglected to erect a sturdier hut, it seems.

I saw it coming because I was in an ultimate bubble of bliss. I don’t know how else to say it. Perhaps because I have not felt anything more happy and contenting than that feeling- that elation that consumed me so evenly and so wholly that I thought I could not be tainted by any way. This familiar feeling that I have experienced once upon a time, that eventually became the good soil on which my spirit grew for miles.

New soil now. I can’t say how much I can grow on it but I feel like impossibility is impossible now. Like I can expand however much I desire on it. That is my peak…on which I saw the storm, the plunge that came silently, swiftly.

I am a cautious person. Moving slowly, thinking through things. Being rational and wanting to be on the safer side always. No doubt I have learned to spread my wings further and explore riskier sides but at the core, I look hard before I decide to leap. Thus when I found myself in a state of elation, I wanted to be cautious. But I didn’t want to hold back from indulging in it too.

I sort of recoil when I sense that things are becoming too good to be true. I think I’m scared of losing the feeling. They say good things don’t last and maybe because I want this feeling to last, I didn’t want it to be so good a thing. What more, I am alarmed (unnecessarily?) by an end that seems so possible by the weeks.

I wonder if I am self-sabotaging? I’ll have to find out.

It is rather hilarious, this two-way pull. One end calls for restraint, one end calls for indulgence. The angel and the devil debate upon my shoulders.

There are the hailstones that I will not bring into play in this post. I will deal with them. For now, I have said what I felt like saying, in metaphors of course (told you I am a cautious person, I don’t flash my most vulnerable thoughts freely).

I am intoxicated by recent events. I feel the good vibes but I have yet to learn how to embrace them in their whole. Yet to learn how to dismiss the worry wart in me that is restricting me from being entirely receptive.

I’ll need to meditate on opening up and putting the fear of losing behind. Everything’s always in a state of change, right? What can be lost can be found again, right?

I’ll try to keep myself poised in the meantime.

PS: Great thanks to the bits of shoulders that made sure my rickety hut stands through the storm.

This Avril Lavigne song precisely illustrates my emotions:

Innocence

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don’t go away, I need you now
And I’ll hold on to it, don’t you let it pass you by

It’s the state of bliss you think you’re dreaming
It’s the happiness inside that you’re feeling
It’s so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

~ by Liz Lee on November 6, 2008.